All alone

It is Monday. The kids are at school. Jon is at work. Me? I HAVE THE DAY OFF!!!! And what am I going to do with it you ask? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! Hahahahaha!!!

Letting Go...

My family is bit on the messed up side. Ok, not really. They are downright f'ed up. My mom is and has always been worried about herself more than others. She can put a guilt trip on you like no other. You actually will believe that whatever it is is all your fault. My dad, who left when I was around 6, is really great (or so it seems) when he is right in front of you, but the second he is gone, so are you. When I was younger my brother and I would see him periodically, usually years between visits. (When I was 14 I ended up living with him and his new wife and daughter for a year, but that is a whole other story for another time.) I will talk to him every now and then and he will act concerned about whatever is going on, and plays the dad part sooo well, but the phone calls are always initiated by me. My childhood wasn't in any way perfect. My teenage years certainly weren't. My 20's?? Hahaha!! I am now 31, divorced w/2 kids and in the first 'adult' relationship in my life.

Drugs and alcohol were always a part of my parent's lives for as far back as I can remember. I knew about it and would always make sure that others didn't. I hid things and covered up. My mom grew pot plants in our yard and dried the leaves in the microwave. When I was a teenager my friends would come over to get high with her. (I didn't get high) She would hound them if she was out. It is truly amazing that I turned out as 'normal' as I did!

I moved to Philly to live with Jon in Aug 2005. At the time I was living in CA with my mom and stepdad, brother (he has been in and out of jail since he was 15, he's 28), and half brother (14). I was there for a year out of necessity, not choice. Since I have been here alot of crap has taken place with her. My youngest brother is no longer living with her and she has no idea where he is, she got evicted because drugs are more important than rent, and rent was only $350!! Anyway, suffice it to say, she is a huge flake. I know all of this. Yet I still feel responsible sometimes for making sure everyone is ok. I have my own family here, my own kids to worry about, my own bills, my own happiness, yet the guilt is still there.

My birthday was a week ago and I didn't hear from anyone. It hurt, and honestly still does. Jon told me today that maybe it is time for me to let them go. Obviously they don't worry about me nearly as much as I do about them. I only ever hear from them when they need something, and now that I am as far away from them as I am I think they know that the odds of them getting anything are slim to none.

So maybe it is time to wash my hands of all of it. To just worry about my family that is here, that does care about me, and that didn't forget my birthday.

5 Years Later

It has been 5 years since the attacks. 5 years since family and friends had to wonder where their loved ones were, and if they were alive. 5 years since our nation changed forever.

Everyone knows where they were when the attacks took place, and I'm sure always will. It isn't something easily forgotten. And I certainly don't think it should be. What bothers me is that today the footage will be replayed over and over and over again, as if we don't already have the images embedded in our heads. The families and friends of the victims will once again be subjected to seeing it take place, to answering questions, to being bombarded with all of it as if it just happened.

When someone dies, you need a period to mourn the loss, and while it is never forgotten, you heal and move on from the hurt and anger. (I am not in anyway saying this is an easy thing to do or that it is a quick process.) I just wonder how the families of the victims can do this when every year it is shown to them again. If your loved one died in a car accident or had a heart attack would you want to watch footage of it every year on the anniversary of their death? Probably not. I know that our nation will continue to mark this day with much media coverage and the like, I just pray that the families don't have to grieve all over again, and that they can truly heal from the horror that took place in their lives.

My B-Day

Yesterday was my 31st bday. I spent the day at the shore watching the kids ride in a monster truck, playing silly games, eating way over priced food, being chased by a dead crab, running from water, cleaning sand out from between my toes, walking and walking, sharing the roads with extremely loud motorcycles, and I wouldn't of had it any other way.

Boys are dumb

I am sitting here listening to the 3 boys that I live with watching the game 'Scene It' on Nick, I believe. If anyone isn't familiar with this game, it contains dvd's of different things on tv that you watch, and then answer questions. They are all competing against each other, and arguing with each question!! And considering that one of them is 35 and a much faster reader, one of them is 10 and a bit whiny, and the other is 9 and a bit spastic, it can be quite humorous.....Oh, my bad, apparently 'Scene it' is on OnDemand and it is time for round 2. Excuse me if you will, I must go kick their butts!

Getting started

I feel like I keep starting new blogs and never really keep up with them. I read other people's everyday, and wonder why I should even do this when my life is sooo much more boring than what I read. Will anyone read this? Probably not. But even so, I have decided I will give it another shot and go from there.

testing

figuring things out