Saturday, September 16, 2006

Letting Go...

My family is bit on the messed up side. Ok, not really. They are downright f'ed up. My mom is and has always been worried about herself more than others. She can put a guilt trip on you like no other. You actually will believe that whatever it is is all your fault. My dad, who left when I was around 6, is really great (or so it seems) when he is right in front of you, but the second he is gone, so are you. When I was younger my brother and I would see him periodically, usually years between visits. (When I was 14 I ended up living with him and his new wife and daughter for a year, but that is a whole other story for another time.) I will talk to him every now and then and he will act concerned about whatever is going on, and plays the dad part sooo well, but the phone calls are always initiated by me. My childhood wasn't in any way perfect. My teenage years certainly weren't. My 20's?? Hahaha!! I am now 31, divorced w/2 kids and in the first 'adult' relationship in my life.

Drugs and alcohol were always a part of my parent's lives for as far back as I can remember. I knew about it and would always make sure that others didn't. I hid things and covered up. My mom grew pot plants in our yard and dried the leaves in the microwave. When I was a teenager my friends would come over to get high with her. (I didn't get high) She would hound them if she was out. It is truly amazing that I turned out as 'normal' as I did!

I moved to Philly to live with Jon in Aug 2005. At the time I was living in CA with my mom and stepdad, brother (he has been in and out of jail since he was 15, he's 28), and half brother (14). I was there for a year out of necessity, not choice. Since I have been here alot of crap has taken place with her. My youngest brother is no longer living with her and she has no idea where he is, she got evicted because drugs are more important than rent, and rent was only $350!! Anyway, suffice it to say, she is a huge flake. I know all of this. Yet I still feel responsible sometimes for making sure everyone is ok. I have my own family here, my own kids to worry about, my own bills, my own happiness, yet the guilt is still there.

My birthday was a week ago and I didn't hear from anyone. It hurt, and honestly still does. Jon told me today that maybe it is time for me to let them go. Obviously they don't worry about me nearly as much as I do about them. I only ever hear from them when they need something, and now that I am as far away from them as I am I think they know that the odds of them getting anything are slim to none.

So maybe it is time to wash my hands of all of it. To just worry about my family that is here, that does care about me, and that didn't forget my birthday.